The Comfort of Conflict

Lori Salomo Apr 26, 2010

What do these things have in common?

  • Butterflies in the stomach
  • Sweaty palms and armpits
  • Shaky knees
  • Dry mouth
  • The sudden urge to puke on your shoes
  • A sense of dread

No, I am not writing a list of what most grooms feel as they stand at the altar!  (Although this could be for some!)  For me, at least, these things are common sensations that I experience when I anticipate conflict.  Ah, yes, that lovely word...C-O-N-F-L-I-C-T.  It happens in friendships, within marriage (althought I don't know about that one from personal experience...LOL), amongst colleagues, between children, with strangers.  Conflict is an everyday part of life which most of us would rather avoid.  For many years I was in favor of avoiding conflict (like it was the plague) that was, until, I heard the following statement:

"True intimacy cannot be achieved except through conflict."

Hmmmm.  Re-read that statement again.  "True intimacy cannot be achieved except through conflict."  I hate the thought of conflict, but I crave true intimacy...really knowing someone and feeling completely comfortable and accepted in their presence.   When you think about it, without some measure of conflict (it doesn't always have to be raging), our true feelings and thoughts about a situation aren't often revealed.  But, when a spark of conflict arises, both parties have an opportunity (if they choose to take it) to share their opposing viewpoints or frustrations with the other person.  And, if done in a healthy and respectful manner, often each person gets to see another's viewpoint and come to some sort of an outcome that joins them together rather than putting them at even greater odds.

Perhaps you think that I look at conflict through rose-colored glasses due to my last statement.  Perhaps I do.  But, in my life conflict has, over time, grown to be my friend.  One place where I welcome it is around the staff meeting table at BridgeWay.  Every Tuesday the entire staff gets together to pray and discuss ministry business.  It's a great time to connect and the 9 of us around the table are passionate people when it comes to Kingdom matters.  Often our conversations go smoothly.  But, at least once a week, an issue comes before us that causes someone to speak their mind and heart and the conflict begins.  And, sometimes, the sparks FLY!  I'm not telling this to you to "tattle" on anyone.  I tell you this to CELEBRATE the fact that there is permission on the BridgeWay team for people to speak their minds and cause this conflict.  Now, no one speaks disrespectfully, but we are allowed to speak honestly, passionately and without fear of challenging anyone around the table.  Yep, I said anyone...even the head honcho.  It's a beautiful thing.  It's a comforting thing.  See, there is comfort in conflict!

What is happening because of this freedom to speak up is that the staff is starting to communicate well on a number of issues.  We are growing closer.  We are listening better and respecting the viewpoints of others.  Although I've been here for only 12 weeks now, I already see change.  It's really cool to be that free to speak up and contribute.  And, it's really cool how, ultimatley, after the smoke clears, we are all closer becauser of it.

So, I challenge you today to speak up.  Do it respectfully, but speak up.  Don't be afraid to share your mind, heart and thoughts with those you love.  Also allow them to share their mind, heart and thoughts with you...without fear of being rejected.  You may find, as I have, that a sense of comfort comes to you when you realize that you have truthfully and cleanly communicated with someone.  You might realize that you've grown closer...one step closer to true intimacy.  Enjoy the comfort that conflict can bring!